That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
