haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
