I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
