If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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