Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
