two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
