Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
