I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
