Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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