my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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