were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
