umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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