his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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