i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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