tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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