a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
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