mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
