After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
