i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize