I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
If I die, sorry about rent.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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