Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
