just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great