when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?