I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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