Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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