i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
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