Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
