Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
