I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
