All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Randomize
