i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Randomize
