it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Oh god it's open bar.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
