there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.