So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
