If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
