Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
