this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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