Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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