I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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