so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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