my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
