Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
