my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
