the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
