Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
