I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
