I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
