Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
