You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
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