My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
