Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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