A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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