They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Someone came in the potted fern
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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