I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Randomize
