i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
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Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
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He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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