Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
