You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
tell me about the fingering
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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