I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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