my mouth tastes like poor choices
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
